Domestic Violence FAQ

It can be difficult for people to understand why women in abusive relationships don't 'just leave'. But, there are many practical, social and emotional factors that can make leaving extremely difficult.
Amongst others, these include:

Fear of further violence: Leaving may end the relationship but it doesn't always end the violence and abuse. Many women are tracked down and further abused when they leave, often for weeks and months afterwards. Research suggests that about half of all women murdered by their partners have left or were in the process of leaving when they were killed.
Lack of knowledge and access to help: Despite increased awareness about domestic violence, many women don't know how to take advantage of their legal and housing rights. Even if they are aware of these services, some women may experience problems due to language difficulties, inappropriate responses from service providers, living in isolated areas or a lack of funds.
Economic dependence: If a woman is working, she may lose her job due to needing time off work, moving too far away or staying off work so she can't be found there. For other women, becoming a single parent may mean working is no longer possible; others may face months of legal wrangling over property and other financial matters.
Staying because of the children: Many abused women think they should stay in their relationship for the sake of their children, that a violent father is better than no father at all.
Social isolation: Most women experiencing domestic violence are extremely isolated either because their partners have deliberately tried to isolate them from sources of support including family and friends or because women are too ashamed or afraid to tell anyone. Or if they have, the responses have been unhelpful and judgmental.
Emotional dependence: Conflicting feelings of fear, shame, bewilderment, care for the abuser, hope that things will improve, a commitment to the relationship but not the violence, often contribute to a woman staying in an abusive situation.
Lack of confidence: After living with an abusive partner, the self-esteem of most women has been eroded to the point where they no longer have confidence in themselves, including their ability to survive alone, and may believe that there are no other options.
Cultural reasons: Many women have been brought up to believe that real fulfillment comes from being a wife and mother or that divorce is wrong and may even be encouraged to stay in the relationship by family members or religious leaders.

Because of these reasons, it may take some time and several temporary separations before women are able to permanently escape the abusive relationship.

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Are only Poor Women Affected?

Women from poor and wealthy backgrounds experience domestic violence. However, although income levels don't affect whether you're abused, they do affect how you respond. Women on lower incomes are more likely to come to the notice of helping agencies whereas middle class women may be less likely to seek assistance because they fear personal embarrassment or the possible damage to their husband's careers if the violence was disclosed.

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Isn't it just alcohol that makes men violent?

Many men who drink are not violent to their partners and many men who are violent do not drink. Alcohol may be a factor in triggering violent incidents in the home but it's not the cause.
Often when violent alcoholics seek help for their drinking, the outcome is a sober perpetrator. So it's more accurate to say that the two problems can co-exist rather than one causing the other.
Alcohol 'frees' some men up to act in certain ways by giving them what they feel to be an excuse for their abusive behaviour. However, drunkenness is never an excuse for violence. Drunk drivers are not seen as unable to help their behaviour, and their drunkenness is not seen as an excuse for the damage they cause.

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She must have done something to deserve it, right?

It's widely believed that women's 'nagging' or other 'unreasonable' provocations push the man to breaking point.
Research suggests that it's a decision to be violent and as such has more to do with the man's behaviour than the woman's. In fact, most victims of domestic violence do everything they can to pacify their partners to avoid further violence.
Violence is never an acceptable method of solving conflict in relationships, nor do partners have a legal right to assault each other, whatever they may claim to have been the 'provocation'. Nobody asks for, or deserves to be, abused. Responsibility for the violence rests entirely with the perpetrator.

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Do certain women attract violent men?

Women from all walks of life experience abuse and don't have much in common. It's often assumed that abused women are weak and 'doormats.' But strong independent women also experience domestic violence.
Most women who have successfully managed to escape a violent relationship alive are very careful to choose a different type of relationship the next time. Some may also choose to remain alone rather than risk another potentially violent relationship.
Women who have been abused but have not sought help in their healing are potentially at more risk simply because they have not learned the skills and confidence to keep them safe.

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Can Violent Mean Change?

Violent men can change but most won't. Domestic violence is a choice. We know this because:

abusers usually only hit their partner (this is true for 85% of abusive men)
abusers usually only hit their partner in private
they usually only hit their partner on parts of the body that are normally covered with clothing so that others won't see the injuries
if something negative happens such as arrest, they are less likely to do it again.

Violent men often believe they 'can't help it'. In fact, it's this misconception that allows them to avoid the issue of taking responsibility for their acts of violence.
Many men are capable of accepting this responsibility once they're taught some strategies for positive change. However, the abuser has to want to change; others cannot make him change.

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How Common is Domestic Violence?

Unfortunately it is quite common. Research indicates that:

1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence at some point in their lives.
At any one given time between 1 in 9 women will be experiencing domestic violence.
2 women a week are murdered by a current or former partner.
Over 45,000 women and children stay in a refuge each year.
1 in 6 homeless families are escaping domestic violence.

It's difficult to know the true extent of domestic violence due to four factors:

The hidden nature of the problem.
Under-reporting.
The rare identification of domestic violence as a separate issue means, that it doesn't appear in statistical data.
Different understandings / definitions of domestic violence.

Click Here for more Domestic Violence Statistics

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Are children affected if they do not see anything?

90% of children are in the same or the next room when violence occurs so even if they don't see it, they usually overhear it. These experiences can affect them both in the short and the long term.

The emotional effects of witnessing domestic violence are very similar to the psychological trauma associated with being a victim of child abuse.
Some research suggests that it's actually worse for some children to overhear the abuse than it is to see it. Often children's imaginations mean that the can be more traumatized by what they imagine may be happening from what they can hear, than if, for example, they could actually see that their mother was still alive.

Is this violence "really" serious?

Information from the National Victimization Survey indicates that assault by a family member is more likely to cause injury than assault by a stranger:

23% of stranger assaults involved injury to victim, while 57% of spousal assaults involve such injury.
7% of stranger assaults require medical attention, while 24% of spousal assaults require such attention.

Information from 256 women who contacted Santa Barbara's Shelter Services for Women showed women's injuries included: black eyes, bruises, broken teeth, cracked ribs, broken nosees, fractured jaws and miscarriages due to violence.

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You're assuming women are the victims. Don't women hit?

Yes, indeed women use assaultive behaviors. Research on a national, random sample of households (Strauss, Steinmetz, Gelles, 1980) seems to show that women are equally as likely as men to hit. However, when you look at who gets "hurt" the story changes. Analysis of police reports in Santa Barbara, California indicated that in 90% of instances where injuries were noted, the injured were women only. In the remaining 10%, both parties had injuries. In all cases where both parties had injuries, the woman's injuries were more severe than the man's.

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What are signs of teen dating violence?

The following are some signs which may place you in risk if you are dating or have dated someone in the past who:

Controls who you see or what you do
Is jealous and possessive toward you
Threatens physical force meant to control you, your friends or your family
Losses his/her temper easily
Pressures you to use drugs/alcohol
Shifts responsibility for abusive behavior from him/her to you
Forces you to have sex or uses force during sex against your will
You're afraid of what your partner's reactions will be to what you might say or do
You are afraid to leave the relationship
Your friends or family are worried about your safety

What can you do to help yourself?

Remember, it is not your fault
Learn about domestic violence
Seek support of caring persons who understand this very real problem - teens should tell a parent or trusted adult
Call 911 for emergency purposes
Seek medical attention, if needed, as soon as possible<-li>
Ask for information on legal rights
Work out a plan to protect yourself and your children that includes: emergency arrangements for safety; escape route with children; working telephone; access to car keys and important papers; phone number of victim services or a shelter in your area and financial provisions if possible.

What are the Phases of Abuse?

The phases of abuse can be visualized by imagining a diminishing circle spiraling downward. As time progresses, the phases are shorter, the violence intensifies, and the episodes of abuse may become more frequent. Not everyone experiences these phases and they vary depending on circumstances.

Tension Phase: This phase is characterized by emotional abuse and verbal attacks. The victim often uses appeasement and patience as coping strategies. As time progresses, the tension increases and the coping techniques are less successful. At the same time, the verbal assaults may become more hostile and prolonged. Incidents involving minor physical assaults, such as pushing or slapping may become more frequent. In response, the abused woman detaches herself emotionally and psychologically. The abuser, sensing her retreat, is more controlling and possessive.
Crisis Phase: In this phase, tension reaches its climax. The escalation may be in the form of a series of minor assaults over a period of time or one major assault. The duration of the outburst can vary from minutes to several hours or days. People react differently in moments of crisis. The abused partner may or may not try to protect herself hoping that the assault will end.
Calm Phase: In this phase things may feel calm again because the abuse may temporarily stop. In this stage, the abuser is most manipulative. The abuser may be remorseful and seek forgiveness through promises of change or gifts. Alternatively, the abuser may still blame the partner for his behavior and pressure her to remain in the relationship. The abused partner is convinced the abusive rationale is legitimate and that she is ultimately responsible for the abuse. During this phase, some women recognize in their abusive partner the qualities that first attracted them. Consequently, the abused partner may feel the need to forgive her abuser and remain in the relationship. The following are tactics that an abuser may use to persuade a partner to stay in the relationship:
1. Promise to change, get help
2. Question the well being of the children should the relationship end
3. Strongly reinforce wedding vows and love for the partner
4. Religious/spiritual reasons
5. Financial/support issues

Repeating the Cycle: Once the relationship settles down into the Calm phase the domestic violence cycle emerges again with the tension phase, the crisis phase and the calm phase repeating itself. Thus the cycle beings it spiraling affects.
Breaking the Cycle: This can be the most dangerous time due to the abuser's ultimate loss of control over the victim. Victim advocacy programs are focused on safety planning for victims and their children. Victims seeking help should contact a domestic violence agency--Help is Only a Phone Call Away. Advocates and counseling groups can be instrumental in empowering the abused partners by offering support, resources, and providing options. Certified domestic violence treatment specialists provide the best treatment for abusers.

What if he says he is sorry?

The abuser may promise to end the violence, go to counseling, stop drinking, start/go back to church, or buy presents for his/her partner - anything to get back to "normal." Yet when things return to a state of "normal," the abuser begins the same patterns of abuse and control again. The abuser's statements of apology and remorse in many cases are just another way to maintain control. The way the abuser can change is if he/she takes full responsibility for the violence, stops the abuse, and seeks a long-term treatment program.

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How do I know if he is changing?

Trust your gut feelings regardless of other signs. Here are some things to look for:

Has he completely stopped saying and doing things that frighten you?
Can you express anger toward him without being punished for it?
Does it feel safe to bring up topics that you know upset him?
Can he listen to your opinion and respect it, even when he disagrees?
Can he argue without being abusive or domineering?
Does he respect your wishes about sex and physical contact?
Does he respect boundaries that you or the court has set in regards to contact with you?
Has he stopped expecting you to do things for him?
Can you spend time with your friends/family without being afraid of retaliation?
Can you do other things that are important to you, such as go to school or get a job?
Are you comfortable with the way he interacts with the children?
Do you feel safe leaving them alone with him?
Is he being supportive and giving compliments?
Does he listen to you?
Does he do his share of housework and childcare?
Do you have equal access to money/finances?

What are some signs he is not changing?

Does he blame you or others for his behavior?
Does he use his treatment against you in any way?
Do you have to keep after him to attend his sessions in the program?
Does he tell you that you're abusive?
Is he pressuring you to go to therapy for yourself or couple's counseling for the two of you?
Does he tell you that you owe him another chance?
Does he say that he can't change without your support?
Does he try to get you or the children to feel sorry for him?
Does he instill fear in the children about the future, or finances, or where they'll live, etc.?
Is he making his abuse sound like a lot less than it really is when he talks about it in domestic violence treatment or minimize his behavior?
Does he expect something in return from you for the fact that he's attending treatment?
Does he pressure you to drop your protection order or no contact order?
Does he pressure you to get back together and/or pay for his treatment?

Should I stay with him?

Only you can answer this question. Your first consideration should be safety for you and your children. We encourage you to get support for yourself, if it is safe for you to do so, through your local programs--Help is Only a Phone Call Away. Your partner may pressure you to stay with him while he attends treatment. Be careful, this can be a tactic of abuse and control designated to keep you from making up your own mind. If he's serious about changing, he'll respect your wishes about the relationship. You have the right to take your time and decide. If you decide you want to leave the relationship, it is very important to plan for your safety, as leaving can be a very dangerous time. Again, work out a plan to protect yourself and your children that includes: emergency arrangements for safety; escape route with children; working telephone; access to car keys and important papers; phone number of victim services or a shelter in your area and financial provisions. An abuser who wants to have power and control over you may become more dangerous because he feels like he is losing control when you leave.

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