Helping multiples and their loved ones to remember the music
| Breaking the cycle of abuse |
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We all know that abusers can be anyone. It doesn't matter what their job is, how much many they have, what their sexual orientation may be or even how nice they are in normal circumstances. Why do people do it though? I believe there are three types of abusers: 1. Those who are actually evil 2. Those who are very sick and cannot help it 3. Those who were hurt themselves and never got help. |
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Truly evil abusers, those who have opened their lives to darkness and been consumed by it, are few and far between. Certainly we must acknowledge that this group exists, but I do not believe that combating this group is where we will win the battle against child abuse and domestic violence. Instead, our attention should be focussed on the other two groups, those who are sick, and those who are hurt. Now, I want to make it clear, I am not excusing what these people do. It does not matter what is happening or has happened in your life, it is NEVER ok to harm a child, NEVER ok to abuse your partners. Understanding the driving forces behind abuse is not about excusing it. It's about knowing why it happens so we can do our best to stop it. |
| Its not as though we are all doctors who can help a person through a severe psychological illness. We are not all therapists who can help abusers work through their own trauma. So what can the average person do? |
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Help reduce the stigma of mental illness. Many seriously ill people never realise just how sick they are because they never seek help. If you have cancer, you go to the doctor and get treatment. People are there to support you and help where they can. But, if you have a severe mental illness, many people will tell you to just "get over it". Many people who suspect they may have a serious mental illness (or that a loved one may) are afraid to go to a doctor and find out. Unfortunately, a diagnosis of serious mental illness (and even not so serious) is often little better than the proverbial "scarlet letter". Fear of the stigma keeps people from getting the help they need. We have to change that. Having a mental illness is no more a person's fault than having cancer or measles or the common cold. It does not mean you are a bad person. It does not mean you have done something wrong. It does not mean you are lazy or weak or too sensitive. We have to make people understand that. When you hear someone making a joke about mentally ill people, call them on it. If you hear people spreading myths about mental health, correct them. For more ideas visit the National Mental Health Awareness Campaign |
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Increase awareness of abuse Many people have no idea just how widespread child abuse and domestic violence are. They have no idea just how bad it can get either. It is desperately important to fight this ignorance. Until people understand the seriousness of the issue we will never have enough resources to help survivors, we will never have strengthened laws to protect our families and we will never find a way to end the violence. We have to get the word out. Use whatever means you can to start discussion, abuse prevention ribbons, being seen campaigning... You don't have to shove it down people's throats, but you should take every opportunity that presents itself to educate people just a little. |
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Support survivor resources Do you have a shelter for abuse victims in your neighborhood? What about a fully staffed inpatient and outpatient facility for the mentally ill? Does your workplace have a plan for helping abused employees? For too many people the answer to all these questions is no. It is hard enough for people who are mentally ill and/or survivors of abuse to seek help. It should not be so difficult to find it once they have decided to try. It is important for those of us not trained in helping people to support those who are. Campaign for more facilities in your area, especially facilities that can help people with less means. If you have things you can give, give them. It doesn't have to be money. Many shelters desperately need toys and clothes and food. Even taking a box of doughnuts to the overworked nurses in your local hospital can lift their spirits and help them help others. Most importantly, give your time. Even a couple hours a week helping out can free up a trained individual to help someone in need. |
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Tell your story No awareness campaign or statistical report or philisophical discussion brings the issues of abuse home to someone as much as hearing the true story of it from someone they care about. Its scary to tell our stories. We have bene silenced for so long, it is understandable to worry about what will happen if we finally speak out. And I can't tell you it will always go well. But if you pick the people you tell carefully, and you tell them in an appropriate time and place, giving them information slowly and gently, you may just find an amazing source of support. And every person whose heart is touched by your story can become an advocate to help you and others. You may even find that the person you have trusted has a similar history themselves, and your courage in telling may open the door for them to find healing themselves. Telling our stories can be incredibly difficult. It can also be incredibly liberating. Be careful. Use your common sense, follow your gut, and when you are uncertain, discretion is the better part of valor. But, when your gut says to do it, try and be brave. It can be more rewarding than you would ever imagine. |
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Always be there to listen Every one of us knows what its like to long for someone to listen. Someone to sit with us and hold our hand while we tell our truth. Someone to help us find our way back into the light, to chase the monsters away. You may have found that person. You may not. But the fact that you have survived, that you are still here, still standing, and working on your healing, proves that you can BE that person. Its ok to pull away when you need to care for yourself. And its ok to admit that there are things you can't do. Boundaries are good. And, within those boundaries, you can be an answered prayer for someone who is hurting. All it takes is a willingness to listen and to really be there, in the moment, with a person who needs you. Just listening, letting someone vent their pain, may be enough to save them from hurting someone else or remaining a victim their whole life. |
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