Helping multiples and their loved ones to remember the music
| A letter to Partners and Friends: What we want you to know. |
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Dear Partners, Friends, and Other Helpers, We would like to thank you for all the kindness and support you have given us. We know it can be difficult at times. Some of you may be learning about us for the first time, others just learning about aspects of our past and present, some of you may not even realize you have touched our lives and healed a bit of our hearts, and there are a few things we would like you to know about our past and the way it affects us today. This list has been contributed to by many many survivors who want you to understand because we care about you and want you in our lives and want you to be ok with this. Thank you very much for caring about us enough to read this, and please know it makes a HUGE difference to our healing to have you care so much about us. With tons of thank you's and big safe hugs, The many survivors whose lives you've touched We grew up feeling very isolated and vulnerable, a feeling that continues into our adult lives. Our early development has been interrupted by abuse, which either holds us back or pushes us ahead developmentally. Sexual abuse has influenced all parts of our lives. Not dealing with it is like ignoring an open wound. Our communication style, our self confidence, and our trust levels are affected. Putting thoughts and feelings about our abuse "on the back burner" does not make them go away. The only way out is to go through these emotions and process them. Our interest in sexual activity will usually decline while we are dealing with this early trauma. This is because: We are working on separating the past from the present. Pleasure and pain can sometimes be experienced simultaneously. It is important for us to be in control, since control is what we lacked as children. Sometimes we need a lot of space. We often experience physical discomforts, pains, and disorders that are related to our emotions. We often appear to be extremely strong while we are falling apart inside. There is nothing wrong with us as survivors- Something wrong was DONE to us. Sometimes others get impatient with us for not "getting past it" sooner. Remember, we are feeling overwhelmed, and what we need is your patience and support. Right now it is very important for us to concentrate on the past. We are trying to reorganize our whole outlook on life; this won't happen overnight. Your support is extremely important to us. Remember, we have been trained to hold things in. We have been trained NOT to tell about the abuse. We did not tell sooner for a variety of reasons: We were fearful about how you would react, what might happen, etc. We have been threatened verbally and/or nonverbally to keep us quiet, and we live with that fear. Feeling sorry for us des not really help because we add your pain to our own. There are many different kinds of people who are offenders. It does not matter that they are charming, attractive or wealthy. Anybody- from any social class or ethnic background, with any level of education- may be an offender. Sexual abuse is repetitive so be aware of offenders with whom you have contact. Do not let them continue the cycle of abuse with the next generation of children. We might not want or be able to talk with you about our therapy. We are afraid we might push you away with all our emotional reactions. You can help by listening, reassuring us that you are not leaving, not pressuring us, touching (WITH PERMISSION) in a nonsexual way. Our therapy does not break up relationships- It sometimes causes them to change as we change. Therapy often brings issues to the surface that were already present. Grieving is part of our healing process and we need time to go through that process. We sometimes do things that may hurt or confuse you, but understand that this is not intentional, we learned many behaviors and reactions to help us survive and unlearning them is a long and difficult process. We have never had support before, so sometimes when it is given now, we either refuse it or take more than you can give. Please talk to us about it first instead of just walking away, but understand that if you do have to walk away, we understand, even if it doesn't show. We may have fears or anxieties that seem totally irrational to you, but please respect them as there is always a reason. Trust is a difficult thing for us, if you have earned our trust, even in a small way, you should feel very lucky, and you should know how highly that means we regard you. Also know that trusting you a little does not give you license to try and force us to talk or to tell our secrets to other people. As we discover our new freedom, we may not know what to do with it. We are like children with a whole new big world to explore and we may make some bad decisions. Please be patient as we learn. Sometimes our emotions, and the physical symptoms they cause, come and go, barely there one day, totally debilitating the next. If we are not in a good enough space to spend time with you today, we are not making an excuse, we are just hurting and need your support now more than ever. |
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