Helping multiples and their loved ones to remember the music
| Abuse Writings |
| Click on the links to read the stories or scroll down. Please be extremely careful. this page contains graphic memories of our abuse and is extremely triggery. Only proceed if you are safe. The memories are in no particular order. These were written mostly just to "get it out" and posted because they are part of our story. The story format was simply the easiest way to express the memories at the time. This is not intended to scare anyone, make anyone feel sorry for us, or provoke any other emotional reaction. We speak our truth and that is all this is intended to be. |
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5th Grade Revelations In the Basement Burns The kitty and the knife The Car Ride Sunday School Our Secret Aunt and her Legacy The dogs, the baby and the fire 5th Grade Revelations I have a memory of being in 5th grade. We were learning about "growth and development". One day at lunch my friend Stephanie's older sister came. We all thought she was soooo cool because she was in high school. Somehow we got on to the topic of boys and sex and what we'd learned in class that day. Everyone started asking Stephanie questions. They just knew she had to have "done it" at least once or twice. And she tried to answer. Her answers were wrong. She had no idea what she was talking about and I said so. I told them the real answers. I didn't know where they came from. Why did I know that stuff. Then Stephanie said that we should all be very careful asking stuff like that at our age, that we should choose who to give our virginity to wisely. After a big giggle everyone started deciding their perfect scenarios. I suddenly realized I wouldn't have one. Choose who to give my virginity to? I couldn't, I didn't have one. I didn't know why, or who had it or anything else, I wasn't even sure I understood the concept till someone explained it. That was the first time I realized that other kids didn't have the same things happen to them. The first time I realized anything was happening to me. I didn't know what, those memories were all locked up tight, but I knew something wasn't right. I knew something had happened. Later that day a teacher pulled me aside and said she'd heard our conversation, heard what I said and asked how I knew all that. I didn't know what to say, and the next thing I knew, she was saying "ok, well if you say a friend's sister told you, I guess that's ok, just don't talk about it in public. Nice girls don't do that" I don't know what I told her. Or who it really was who told her. Mrs. Denofrio. That was her name. She was the librarian. Some of the boys had overheard too. From then on there were always boys, content to sneak around as much as I told them to as long as they got what they wanted. That was the day I became a slut and I didn't even know it. Back to Top In the Basement She had just gotten to sleep when she was awakened by footsteps. The door opened and her grandfather came in and stood by her bed. "I have a surprise for you downstairs princess" she loved surprises. At barely three years old, to her surprises meant toys or candy. Unfortunately that was not what the grandfather had in mind. (gap in memory here, not sure what happened) She followed him to the basement. The usually cluttered table was bare. He lifted her up onto the table, and told her to lie down. She thought he was playing a game. He pulled up her nightgown and took off her panties. She began to get a bit scared. She knew that something wasn't right. He tied her hands to the table. Then he spread her legs and tied them as well. "Your time has come princess. It is time for you to be tested. You know if you do well, that you can have everything. But first we have to found out how much you're worth." He undressed himself and began to "prepare" himself to "test" his granddaughter. When he was ready he stood beside the table between her legs, inches from her. "Princess, I love you. You are my special girl. This is your test, if this hurts, then you are a really good girl and you will be allowed to leave. I'll need your body still, but your mind can go. If you don't do that, you fail. I love you princess and I don't want you to fail." With that he plunged himself inside her. Her tiny body was not ready for that. She began bleeding horribly and the tears he had made burned, it seemed, to her very soul. That is when she chose to leave. Arianna and several others throughout the night came to take her place. Arianna was a very good girl. She took the pain of the long awful rape without a single whimper. But that was just the start of the grandfather's plan for the evening. "Look at you bleeding all over the place. We can't let your mommy see you like that now can we? Lets just seal those tears up ok princess?" Arianna, a very quick study in the value of obedience, nodded her head. The grandfather went to a nearby shelf and returned with a box of matches and a long white candle. He lit it and let it burn long enough to get lots of melted wax, and then he shoved it into her with the flame still burning. Arianna was a good little girl and did not scream as the flame and the horribly hot wax burned her. She even managed a smile when he asked for one. Arianna never made a sound. When he was fully satisfied, he untied her and told her to clean up. She went to work and he headed upstairs. He added on his way up, "You passed. You are very valuable to us after all. We have more surprises for you very soon." When the mess was clean, Arianna fell to the corner sobbing, praying for a miracle as she listened to the disgusting sounds from her grandparents bedroom above. Back to Top Burns When she heard the scratching at her window, Allison obediently climbed up and let herself be pulled through and handed down by her grandfather. She walked silently to the car and climbed in. Her grandfather climbed in beside her while uncle drove. "Come here princess" her grandfather said and she climbed into his lap with a feeling of dread. Surprisingly though, nothing happened. He simply held her on his lap and stroked her hair. Allison tried to ignore the fear welling up inside her at what might happen tonight and secretly hoped her aunt would be there. It was never quite as bad when she was there, and she always made things feel better afterwards. After awhile they came to the cabin in the woods. As usual there were already people there, but this time she was carried quickly inside before she had a chance to see anything that was happening. As soon as she was inside Allison spotted her aunt and went running to her. Her aunt gave her a quick cuddle and then handed her a goblet to drink from. It tasted funny, and before she had even finished it she started to feel tired and dizzy and within a few minutes everything went black. Allison woke up awhile later. She was not sure how long. Her tummy hurt like she was going to be sick and when she looked down there was blood all over it. Bailey over to her and asked if she knew what was going on. When she said no, he explained. "We just finished doing surgery on you. We put a demon in your belly. He is there to make sure you are a good girl and do everything you're supposed to. If you do, he will take care of you, just like her will take away that cut on your belly if you are good tonight. If you are ever bad though, if you ever disobey us, or tell anyone who isn't part of this family, he will tear your insides up and kill you. Are you going to be a good girl?" Allison shook her head yes. She felt very scared and confused. Was the demon the one making her feel like she needed to be sick? She knew angels could do things that didn't seem to make sense, maybe demons could to only in a bad way. "Very good' Bailey said, "You know the demon is really only there to help you, he is not bad, you are. The demon loves you just like our father does. God doesn't love you anymore though I don't think. Maybe we should find out to be sure?" He didn't wait for an answer, he started leading her to where some other people were making a big fire. "If God still loves you, you can stand close to the fire and be ok. If it doesn't it will hurt. That is the demon hurting, and if God doesn't love you, he won't protect you from feeling what the demon feels. You will feel it every time you are around anything to do with God, because if you feel it now, it proves God hates you and wants to hurt you." Allison didn't understand what he meant, but she knew he knew a lot about God so he must be telling the truth. All the big people listened to him when he talked about God and they wouldn't listen if he lied. Somewhere in the back of her mind Allison heard Grace crying, saying none of it was true, but she couldn't listen. Bailey and the grandfather made the rules, not Grace. Bailey led Allison over to the fire and showed her where to stand. Then he went a few feet away. The fire was very hot. Too hot. Bailey called to her from where he stood and told her to turn in very slow circles. As she turned the fire seemed to grow hotter and hotter. Even though she knew it was against the rules, by the time he told her she could come away, she was crying. "So, you're crying, that means it must have hurt. God hates you. You have to listen to what we say and do what we say so the demon won't start hating you too" As he took her back to the cabin, Allison slipped inside to rest and Clarence came to take her place. Inside the cabin Bailey made Clarence put his arm up on a table. He picked up an iron that was plugged in and pressed it into Clarence's arm. He held it there long enough to make it turn red, but not long enough to cause blisters or anything that would last. "Now, we don't want the demon to kill you unless its important. We know sometimes people make little mistakes and that's ok. So the demon doesn't have to kill you for little things, you can punish yourself instead. All you have to do is hurt yourself where your arm is burned. The bigger the mistake, the bigger the hurt. Just remember, really big things like telling, those can't be fixed this way. We will have to let the demon kill you if that happens. " Clarence was a good boy and didn't make a sound. He just shook his head to tell Bailey he understood. Then it was his turn to go inside to rest. Myra came out to take the last, with Allison watching in the background. "Now, I told you the demon would help you, and I want to prove it to you. You know things from God will hurt you because he doesn't love you. This is holy water" he said holding up a small jar with an eye dropper for a lid. "If I drop this on your hand, normally it would burn all the way through, but the demon can stop it before that happens." He told Myra to put her hand on the table again. She did, bracing herself for what was about to happen. Bailey pulled out the eye dropper and put three drops on different parts of her hand. It burned very bad, and she was sure it really would burn through, but it didn't. It burned on the top of her hand but didn't go through. "See? The demon protected you. Now, go see your aunt. We'll go when she's through." Myra went to where Bailey had pointed. In the room, she crawled into her aunt's lap. She cuddled her and tended her burns, singing softly the whole time. Once she was done her grandfather and uncle led her back to the car and took her home. With their help Allison climber back in the window and into her bed. Once she heard them drive away, she cried herself to sleep. Back to Top The kitty and the knife Sara trembled as she looked at the faces around her. She hated being in the circle; it always meant awful things. A little boy, about 8 years old came into the circle. He knelt down next to her. He had a kitten, a black kitten, in his hands. He gave it to Sara and she began to pet it. Sara loved cats. Then the boy sat down a golden bowl and a knife. "Break its neck" he said. Sara could tell he was struggling not to cry. She had already given up that fight. She sat holding the kitten and rubbing its head for a long time. "Break its neck or we'll break yours" her grandfather said cruelly from his place in the outside of the circle. The boy had begun to cry. His eyes pleaded with Sara to do as she was told. They both knew that if she didn't, they would both be horribly punished. Sara kissed the kitten's head. "I'm sorry kitty" With that she pulled the kitten's head down to its side and the neck snapped beneath her fingers. She and the boy were both crying. Sara already knew what she had to do. She had seen it done many times. She took the knife and cutoff its head. Then she drained the blood into the bowl. She and the boy shared the blood. The boy left the circle and then his brother, a boy of 14, was brought in. He was being trained to become a priest in the cult. Sara was just a stepping stone on his path to power. He laid her down on the grass and spread her legs wide. He was kinder than most, something Sara knew would get him in trouble. Most would just ram into her with no warning. He used his fingers first so that it wouldn't hurt quite as bad. It still hurt horribly though. But being the good little girl her grandfather expected her to be, Sara didn't make a sound. She even smiled some when he finished inside her. She hoped that would spare her any further torture, She was wrong. As the boy left the circle Sara began to get up. That's when the woman came in. She was beautiful. Sara was excited to see her. Women in the circle meant comfort. The woman would help her clean up. She would put the special oil on her to make the pain stop. Maybe even give her the needle that made her feel funny and made all the bad stuff go away. Once again, Sara was wrong. The woman told Sara to lay back down. When she had, the woman knelt between her legs. She leaned down and began to clean away the blood with her tongue. This was new to Sara, but at least it didn't hurt. When there was no more blood to clean, the woman looked disappointed. She reached for the knife Sara had used on the cat. "Clean the blade for me sweetie" Sara stuck out her tongue and the woman used it to clean the blade. It cut Sara's tongue. But again she didn't make a sound. The woman ran the point of it down Sara's body lightly enough that it wouldn't scratch, but that the effect of terror was the same. She stopped between Sara's legs. She pushed the point in a little bit where it rested. Sara didn't understand why that spot made things feel so much stronger. Once blood had been drawn, the woman leaned down and sucked it clean. She then moved the blade further down, the point of it positioned right in the middle of the opening. Sara braced herself. She had watched this happen to other little girls. She knew this was a test even though they didn't say so. If she cried or fought she would be sacrificed. If however she could stand it with a smile on her face until it made her pass out, she would be considered valuable. They would begin her training. First, within a year she would be married to Satan. She didn't understand what that meant but she thought it was a good thing. After that they would begin to teach her how to become a priestess like the woman hovering over her. She had no idea just how important they planned to make her. The woman kissed Sara's forehead, jolting her out of her thoughts and back to what was happening. She pushed the knife into her. Sara began to cry uncontrollably inside, but outside, her smile got wider with every thrust. Once enough blood had built up the woman would take out the knife, lean down and drink Sara's blood. Then she would start the whole thing over again. Sara smiled the whole time. She wasn't sure how many times it happened before the body passed out. She only knew that when she awoke to the special oil being rubbed into her and the women around her smiling, that she had passed the test. She went inside to rest and let someone else take over till she was needed again. Back to Top The Car Ride Sara trembled as her grandfather put her in the car. There were already three other men there; all of them wearing robes like her grandfather. She sat quietly in the middle of the backseat staring at the floor. "Come here princess," said the grandfather. Sara obediently scooted closer and turned to face him. "Grandpa's special little girl is gonna make him happy now isn't she?" He pulled the robe aside and shoved her face into his lap. He told her to lick it, which she did until it grew hard, and then he shoved it deep in her throat. "Suck you little whore, its all you're good for." Sara choked a little. She wasn't sure whether it was from her tears or her grandfather in her throat. All four of the men were laughing. The other one in the backseat began to touch her. He put his fingers inside her. Sara tried to cry out for him to stop, but it was hopeless. Finally the grandfather finished. It was disgusting. Sara's tummy was already upset from the emotions she was feeling (and probably also because she hadn't eaten in two days while she was staying with the grandparents). The hot, salty liquid in her mouth made it worse, and before long her tummy had emptied what little it contained (which to Sara's amazement and confusion was actually a lot) right into her grandfather's lap. Sara braced herself, expecting to get hit. Instead her grandfather patted her head and said in a falsely comforting tone, "My princess is messy. But I won't get mad if she cleans it up." Sara began to wipe up the mess with the sleeve of her robe. "No sweetie, lick it up" Sara was obedient as always and did as she was told. Her tears fell as the laughter got louder. Back to Top Sunday School "I need a special helper" the pastor said as he came into the Sunday school class. Several children eagerly raised their hands, but he already knew who he wanted. He walked around for awhile pretending to be trying to decide who to pick. Then he placed his hand on Rachel's trembling shoulders. "I think I want you to help me" She followed him quietly, her head lowered, struggling to hold back tears. They walked to the big room where the grownups had church. They were all in Sunday school too so it was empty. They walked to the front, to the little closet where people changed clothes to be baptized. He opened the door, went in, turned on the light and motioned for her to join him. She went in and he closed the door behind her and locked it. "I know about you and your grandfather" Rachel's tears began to well up even more. "Its ok though, because I'm going to help you. I'm going to erase his touch, the touch of Satan, with the touch of God." He took off her clothes. Then he smiled at her and stroked her hair and kissed her forehead. "Don't be afraid sweetie, soon God will love you again" He began to touch and kiss her all over. Rachel just stood there and let him, she knew that's what she was supposed to do. He took off his pants and sat in the chair. "Come here sweetie, its ok, I won't hurt you. This is what God wants; he has chosen me to show you his love." Rachel knew he would hurt her if she didn't go to him, so she did. He reached out and picked her up and put her on his lap. He kissed her forehead again. Then he eased himself inside her. The pain was awful, but at least, unlike the others, he had been gentle. When he had finished, he kissed her lips for a very long time. Then he guided Rachel to her feet and he stood up. He gave her a sweet smile. "I promise, God will love you soon, you're almost clean and pure and whole for him again." He picked her up and carried her into the water. He baptized her, and then gently cleaned where he had been inside her. He dried her hair and helped her get dressed. Another smile and kiss on the forehead. "You are clean now. God loves you again. I love to be able to help you; you are very special to me. I will help again if he touches you again. I love you and so does God." He kissed her again for a long time. He slid his hand up her dress. "Just a little extra love from God sweetie, because you are so very special" With that he patted her behind and told her to get back to class. Back to Top Our Secret Aunt and her Legacy Jerra felt safe with her aunt's arms around her. She wished everyone knew about this aunt so she could be around her more. She was a very powerful woman, she controlled much of what happened at the meetings in the woods, and all of the men were good to her because she could control them and because they all wanted her. She was very beautiful. Jerra admired her greatly. Even the grandfather, her aunt's father, had never dared to lay a hand on her that she knew of. She was even more powerful than he had ever been. "I have something very important to tell you my dear" the aunt said in a very serious tone. "You will be the one to take my place when you are old enough." Jerra was filled with joy. She was a bit confused, but she realized that this was the highest honor she could possibly ever have hoped to receive. She straightened up, trying to imitate her aunt's perfect posture. "That's why my father chose you. You see, I received my place because I was his eldest daughter. It should be passed to my eldest, but sadly I have not been able to have children. But as my niece, I can give it to you and it will remain in the family. There is one problem however. I have two nieces. You and a little girl I think you know." She pointed to a little girl on the other side of the clearing. Jerra did know her. They went to church together. They were both the favorites of the pastor. The ones he chose to "help" every week. "You see my dear, since you are both equally entitled to it, we had to see who was best suited to take my place. You have both been equally ready for it so far. You both passed my father's test. You both did wonderfully with the knife. Every test we have given you, you have both passed, and you have been completely equal in how well you passed. Until now" Jerra was very confused. She didn't know what tests her aunt was talking about. "The last time we tested the two of you, she spilled some of the blood. You didn't. She had never done that before, but when a decision of this importance is made, every error must be considered. Because you did better than her, you have been chosen as my successor. But she must be disposed of before she is old enough to understand this so that she won't cause problems later on. Do you understand?" Jerra didn't really understand, but she knew what was being asked of her. She was to kill the other little girl, her cousin, so that her position of power would be secured, she also knew that if she refused the roles would be reversed. "Yes, I understand, and I will do what you want me to" Her aunt smiled and took her to change for the ceremony. She helped Jerra into a different robe. A red one with silver trim. Jerra smiled as she looked in the mirror, her eyes fixed on the silver, the colour that would earn her a bit of the respect her aunt had. Her aunt handed her the tools she would need. The knife. The goblet. The bowl. At 8 years old, Jerra was an expert on sacrifices. She had been performing them for 4 years, but this would be the first she would do without the help of an older more experienced member of the group. The aunt and her attendants formed a circle around Jerra. They knelt down and began to chant. Jerra didn't know the words, but she knew their meaning. They were praying to their "father" Lucifer to give Jerra the gifts her sacrifice possessed. For him to take all fear from her mind. To love her as she did his will and to guide her as she took her place. When they had finished Jerra followed them out to the appointed place. The circle had already formed. The other girl was tied to the altar, her arms and legs spread wide. Jerra looked around the circle, identifying the people who would play a part in the ritual. The girl's parents who would share in her heart. Jerra chose four men who would take the girl's gifts from her after she had been sacrificed and then give them to Jerra. The little boy who would pass the goblet. Seeing that everyone was in place and that everything was prepared, Jerra gave the signal to the priest to begin the chanting. Jerra had learned well that there was an art to performing the sacrifice. That not only was it her job to please Lucifer, but also to please the rest of the group, to make men want her, and fear her, at the same time. There were many parts to it. First, she made love to the girl, gently kissing and caressing her. Easing her fears by giving her pleasure. As she did this the priest prayed over the girl, asking for her to be taken to the "father's side", for him to accept her into his arms. Jerra reached for the knife and the goblet. She pushed the knife into the girl and collected the blood flowing from between her legs into the goblet. Jerra was very talented at this part. Her cuts were precise and she didn't spill a single drop of blood. She gave the goblet to the little boy for a minute. She walked to the other side of the altar and opened the girl's mouth. She kissed her and then cut out her tongue. She went to the priest, knelt before him and handed it to him. He ate it, blessed her, and told her to continue. She took back the goblet. She slit each of the girl's wrists and collected the blood. Jerra knew just how to slit them to make the blood flow the fastest. When it had all been collected, she took a drink from the goblet and then gave it to the boy to pass around the circle. Each person in the group drank from the goblet. After it had been passed, the boy was taken away to be given the "love" his work had earned him from some of the men. Jerra continued the ritual. She plunged the knife into the girl's now lifeless chest and delicately removed her heart. She cut it into 4 parts. One she ate. Two were fed to the girl's parents. The forth was set on fire in the bowl. That part was for Lucifer. Jerra leaned down and kissed the smile still shining on the girl's face. The four men Jerra had chosen earlier came forward. Each one took turns making love to the little lifeless body, taking from her the gifts Lucifer had granted her. The girl's body was taken away and Jerra prepared herself for the last and most important part of the ritual. The gifts must be passed on to her. She remover her robe and laid it on the other altar. She climbed on top of it and lay down. Each of the men came forward and made love to her, passing on the gifts they had pulled from the girl. Jerra was now stronger. She also now held a position of power far beyond her years. She looked at her aunt, sitting next to the priest. She knew the throne would someday be hers, and she gladly took her place next to her. Back to Top The dog, the baby and the fire Dogs. Big, big dogs. They wore the symbol too. They also wore socks on their feet. She mustn't be scratched. That was the one advantage of being back with the family in Kentucky. They understood who she was. Summer screamed inside as the first one entered her. She knew better however than to scream aloud. The now all too familiar pain of tearing flesh seared through her. Intense pressure as it locked in. he seemed to last forever. Much longer than any of the men ever had. She wished so desperately that she could look away and see something safe and beautiful. That was impossible however. She was surrounded by horror. She had learned to stop hoping for something safe to look at, so she now searched for anything to take her mind far from the pain she was feeling. That's when she saw her. A girl of about sixteen. Only two years younger than Summer. Long blonde hair and deep green eyes. Her face soaked in tears. Her belly swollen with child. A child Summer guessed was due very soon. Most likely a product of one of the horrific rituals the cult loved so much. Two men were pulling her down to lie on the grass. The doctor came toward her; he had a needle in his hands. After she had been given the needle, her breath began to quicken. She also began to cry out in pain. Summer knew she would be punished for that sign of weakness. The doctor knelt between the girl's legs. That's when summer realized what was happening. The girl was being forced to deliver her baby early. Summer began to pray that the child would be a boy. If it were a boy it would be quickly done away with. If it were a girl however, it would be tortured first. Summer continued to watch, only paying attention to her own situation when the dogs were switched off. They ripped her a little more each time they switched. The girl's baby was born. Summer's heart sank when she saw that it was a girl. The newborn was taken to the stone table. (They called it an altar, but altars are supposed to be holy so Summer refused to call it that.) The doctor was first to "enjoy" the child. A tear rolled down Summer's cheek as the doctor plunged into the baby, not very deep at all, but it was enough. It was so tiny. She knew this child wouldn't survive much of this. The infant screamed loudly adding to it's mother's wailing. The mother was covered in blood and still being restrained by the men. The men all took their turns with the baby. By the time the doctor was done the child had stopped screaming and the time the second was done their was no longer any movement. Summer felt the dog. It was odd; he and the man with the baby were exactly in rhythm. Summer closed her eyes and imagined herself holding the baby tight in her arms. But it would never feel that. The high priest approached the table. He had the special knife in his hand. The blade was wavy, and the handle was in the shape of a goat head. He held it high over his head, the silver on his crimson robe shining in the firelight, the blade sparkling. He paraded it around the circle for all to see, and then he went back to the side of the table. Summer's heart was in her throat. She was barely even feeling the dog pounding inside her now. The priest plunged the knife into the infant. He then proceeded to cut out its tiny heart. He cut it into three pieces. One he ate himself. The next he force-fed to the baby's mother. The last piece was saved for Satan. The child's blood was drained, the little that was left, and everyone in the circle partook of it. Then the remains of the body were thrown onto the fire. Everyone returned to the various tortures they had been inflicting. Summer's attention returned to the animal inside her. She felt him finishing within her. As he got off her, a claw slipped through the sock and scratched her. The handler saw her wince and asked her what happened. When Summer told him, he became completely irate. He began yelling at the dog in another language. The dog cowered at his feet. The handler reached for an ax. With one motion the dog's whimpering stopped. Summer felt the blood splash onto her. Back to Top |